Borderline Migratory Patterns of the 1812/2020 Snowbird ​

 

Springtime trunks flowed freshly tapped, grew leaves into the heights of a waving summer.  

Colourful appropriation painted fall with a fiery Indian Summer and settler-birds paddled 

backcountry clichés until winter’s crisp moons forced them back to their nests.  Peace exhaled 

like air through a whistle.  Canada perched itself high in the treetops, oblivious to its unceded 

lands and the impending invasion of red and white blue birds. 

 

They flew north for the season.  Came to purge the land from a tyranny of tea and crumpets.  

Came for fresh water, maple nests and a general adherence to mask wearing.  They advanced like 

glaciers, covering and compressing until high taxes, gun laws and brutish apologies forced their 

retreat.  In their wake, a moraine of broken egg shells, one or two Loyalists and the deep 

crevasse of populism.  Hopeful Canadians could now also make things “Great Again!”  (They 

had begun to throw around words like genocide in their own backyards.  This made garden 

parties less fun.)  New calls to “take Canada back” had polite and not-so-polite Canadians 

scratching their heads, questioning who had recently taken it – other than themselves, of course. 

 

A tiny militia of Canada geese, moose, loons, beavers, health care providers and a handful of 

empty nesters congregated to discuss the building of a wall.  (The polar bears didn’t have to 

apologize – they had a hockey game.) 

 

A big beautiful Southern Wall! honked the leader, pounding his fist against the side of the ice hut. It shook under his weight.  Naldo Rump was a formidable goose – the kind that trailed mounds 

of refuse, preventing ingress and egress to waterways everywhere.  His well-mannered 

commandos were all parkas and mitts and shivers and galoshes and hardhats and things to fasten.  

It was very important. 

 

You really think they’ll pay? squawked the beaver counting diminutive denominations of 

colourful bills.  In charge of the treasury, he had recently left the government after a small 

financial debacle.  Something about pocketing cash.  Or handing it out.   

 

Maybe if we apologize in advance!  chirped the Blue Jay.  Loan them the money?  He had left a 

professional baseball career to go into farming.  Thought the “farm bubble” would be more 

protective and anyway, chewing and spitting had been outlawed so baseball bubbles were 

generally disappointing.  

 

No apologies! shrieked Mr. Rump (Ru-Ru as they secretly called him).  I don’t want their 

smocking guns up here!  Now get me a covfefe!  He had started speaking in stilted tweets and 

typos.  Said it made him look tough.  Mostly it made the militia confused. 

 

The moose, who tended to hum show tunes or Queen’s Greatest Hits when he felt awkward 

wanted to rock on the floor, hoof-over-antler, singing “I want to ride my bicycle.”  Instead, he 

decided on “We are the Champions!”  Figured he would kill two birds with one stone. (The birds 

had implored him to stop using this expression.  They found it offensive.  How could killing one bird be a good thing, let alone two?  He never grasped their logic, smugly explaining that killing 

ANY animal with a stone is bad.  “BUT THE EXPRESSION ISN’T ABOUT ANY 

ANIMAL!!!” Exasperated, they would eventually give up – he couldn’t possibly understand the 

power of a stone given all his girth – but they also unfollowed him on Twitter.)  In the twofold 

bird massacre, the moose hoped to raise the resisters’ spirits and placate Ru-Ru’s penchant for 

winning.  Unfortunately, he got stuck on the line “No time for losers” which triggered the leader 

– enmeshed in his own “Suckers and Losers” scandal. 

 

The loon, hoping to break the ice, handed Ru-Ru a double-double.  He took a sip, rolled up the 

rim and flung “Please play again” on the ground.  No one risked moving or picking it up – they 

had run out of hand sanitizer.  And winning.  They had run out of winning.  They were also 

moderately frozen. 

 

The racoon adjusted his balaclava.  Um…sorry sir…about the wall?  

 

Yes!  Right!  Well, I’ll probably do it, maybe, definitely! 

 

But it might not be necessary sir continued the racoon, still fumbling with his balaclava due to 

the lack of feeling in his paws.  It’s likely too cold up here for them.   

 

I guess.  I mean, if you really look at it…frankly, it’s a shame.  The cold is a disgrace!  Or it 

could be, you know, a hoax.  It’s probably a hoax.  Maybe.  You don’t know.  Let’s see what happens. 

 

The owl rolled his eyes and waddled back to the hospital where he would treat the racoon 

(freely) for hypothermia. 

 

The commandos reluctantly handed in their imported AK-47s, lumberjackets and black wellies 

and put on a kettle.  As it whistled a peaceful boiling point, the snowbirds pondered their fate; 

this year, would they fly south for the winter? 

​

​

​

The Intersectionality of Meal Prep and 2020 – A Single Mom’s Guide! 

 

Chapter 3 – Leftovers and Back to School 

​

Some people don’t eat leftovers.  Ever.  As if their personal handbook had a policy on it:   

Joe’s Handbook of Life 

Chapter 3 – Leftovers and Other Things to Avoid 

Subsection B: Things to Do While Avoiding Leftovers* 

1. Brush teeth twice a day – more if you’ve eaten leftovers.  (Don’t do the second part.) 

2. Be nice to your neighbour – especially if they bring you leftovers.  (Throw out the leftovers.) 

3. Make enough dinner for only ONE night so there won’t be any leftovers.  

4. Cook a little extra spaghetti on Sunday to test your resolve around rule #3; toss the leftovers. 

5. Moldy basements. ​

*Addendum: See Appendix C “Other Activities That Bolster Avoidance of Leftovers”  

 

My rules are different.  Not in a ‘Joe-should-really-eat-all-of-the-food-on-his-plate,’ kind of way, 

or a ‘Joe-should-sit-in-a-spore-swollen-dungeon-and-inhale-pranic-wisdom’ kind of way, but in 

a ‘FOR-THE-LOVE-OF-ALL-THINGS-HOLY-PLEASE-WHEN-I-OPEN-THE-FRIDGE-TONIGHT-LET-THERE-BE-LEFTOVERS!’ kind of way.  It’s like having the fridge and the microwave 

buy your groceries and cook your meal!  A major/minor appliance miracle!   

 

Unfortunately, appliances can’t feed you or clean your kitchen – yet – a problem addressed in 

Chapter 4 of this book: “Five Ways to Feed Your Children Without Ever Entering the Kitchen.”  

It’s a short list of restaurants.  (The editors added this chapter after seeing my kitchen.)  They 

also started a youtube channel of “how to (avoid)” videos.  The videos feature my kitchen in 

various states of dishevel with Morgan Freeman voiceovers: “I dunno what the hell’s in there, 

but it’s weird and pissed off!”1 “He feeds and he doesn’t stop until everybody around him is 

dead!”2 “I don’t have memories from this place, I have scars!”3  My personal favourite shows an 

Amityville style kitchen, crumbling like The House of Usher.  As the camera pans from the 

hand-streaked window to the protagonist trembling in the driveway, Freeman’s shark-infested 

baritone superimposes the emerging soundtrack to Jaws: “You’re gonna need a bigger boat.”4  

Basically, you don’t go in there after watching this channel. 

 

But then school starts up again!  So, you write a poem.  You give your poem a legend.  (Extra 

clarity is sometimes required when wandering headlong into a poetic shit show, my kitchen or 

September 2020.) 

 

Week One – A Daily Menu in 8 Stanzas (Minus the Legend) 

Legend:  Stanza = A new day!  Starts on the Tuesday after the long weekend 

( ) = Aspirational, truth, desperational, the easiest thing – in that order 

* = necessary ingredient, ranked 

 

Chicken stir-fry  

(Freshly chopped) veggies 

Whole grain (white) rice 

SOY SAUCE* 

 

Leftovers* 

 

Leftovers?** 

 

Takeout!  (Thank the guy at the door, cry a little in front of salivating kids and also the 

guy, sanitize all packaging, dispose immediately, wash hands till raw, heat food till 

scalding, tell kids to return to their screens if they complain about “NOT BEING ABLE 

TO EAT YET BECAUSE THE FOOD IS TOO HOT!”)  Encourage kids to save a little 

for tomorrow night’s 

 

Leftovers!* 

 

Regale the kids with a Sunday night frozen pizza, thank the leftover gods****** for 

getting you through the week until you open the fridge on  

 

Monday to NO FUCKING LEFTOVERS!   Harness the terror of your editors’ youtube 

channel: “WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?” have another break down, make a list 

of agenda items to discuss with the microwave and fridge who seem to be abdicating 

their duties, order something (pizza) that will show up in 30 minutes or free, call back, 

upsize to an XL for the sake of tomorrow’s leftovers, resolve to generally chop more 

vegetables.  Next week.  

 

Repeat 

 

Don’t read Joe’s handbook.  It’s a little bit douchey.  Or, if you do, follow rule 4, chapter 3, 

subsection B and “toss the leftovers” my way. 

 

Chapter 4 – (edited) Five Ways to Escape Your Kitchen, Your Children and Morgan Freeman’s 

Voice 

 

(Spoiler – it’s really, really hard.) 

 

 

1 The Thing, 1982 

2 Fright Night, 2011 

3 Insidious: The Last Key, 2018 

4 Jaws, 1975